Christmas With The Killers

I wrote a treatment for a proposed NBC The Killers Christmas Special. For some reason it wasnever realised, until now. So sit back, relax, have a mince pie and a glass of wine, or a pot of hot coffee, or a bowl of jelly babies, or peanuts, or a couple of slice of toasted bread, topped with Heinz Toast Toppers (other toppings are available) and settle down to Christmas With The Killers.

OPENING TITLES

'Viva The Killers' starring Brandon Flowers.

You have to watch the above clip to truly appreciate the feel and format of this special.

An instrumental version of 'Don't Shoot me Santa' plays over the credits as we track a plane in the sky, arriving at Honolulu airport. As the band members disembark, the music fades down and is replaced by an Hawaiian version of 'Uncle Johnny' as they are greeted by hula girls who put flowers in the band members hair and place garlands around their necks.  

Brandon looks visibly awkward whilst Mark is nonplussed. While they are disembarking we are aware of a running commentary by a bloke with a Spanish accent (the guy from Fantasy Island basically) who's telling us all about the Killers, how  many albums they've sold, when they were formed, what things they despise, etc. We then see two blokes dressed smartly in white. (From Fantasy Island basically) One of them is about three feet tall. Lots of canned applause from an audience we never see.

Small Man in White Suit With Spanish Accent: Boss, why are they called The Killers?

Man in White Suit: Who can tell what the mysteries of the universe and fate have decided but...these sweet men, looked to music and poetry to find the answers.

Small  Man: I like The Killers. They are the best band in the world. They have come to the best place in the world!

Man in White Suit With Spanish Accent: Welcome to Hawaii, my friends. In Hawaii it is always summer, it's always a place for laughter, romance and honeymoons. Fear not if you have not brought your own cocktails because we will provide all the hospitality, casinos, girls, boys, theatres, magic, lasers and  a cocktail of music, laughter, love, tears...(turns to camera and points) and tonight, ladies and gentleman, The Killers will be your hosts. Enjoy!

Scene One

'Begin the Beguine'

We are in a swanky, slightly tacky, expensive nightclub, with the guests watching on tables and chairs. The music strikes up, Brandon appears on one staircase, while Julio Iglesias appears on the other. They are both wearing glittery suits with open neck shirts and medallions. They meet in the middle and perform the songs. Many shots of disco glitter balls suffice and we see that the members of the band are dressed in white suits, as a kind of ironic house band. At the end of the song Brandon and Julio compete for the world's brightest and cheesiest smile.

Cut to;

Scene Two

'I Can't Stay'

We're on a beach, the sun is setting, the waves are rolling in, couples are walking on the sand and we track to the bar where Brandon is serving cocktails. Neil Tennant is on the bar stool with raised eyebrows as he leers and gushes, 'I say you've been raising eyebrows on both sides of the bar.' Brandon laughs nervously like Matt Damon in The Talented Mr Ripley.' As the music swells up Brandon begins shaking the cocktail shaker as the opening bars of 'I can't stay' swell up. A brass band accompany him as he sings the song, mounting the bar at one stage and evolving into cocktail waiters all on the beach in a majestic dance routine featuring giant cocktail umbrellas, twirling them, limbo dancing, and even doing the Lambada dance with each other, while Brandon refuses to dance with that bloke from Kings of Leon. The rest of the boys feature in this but only if you freeze frame the hard drive recorder and look for them on a yacht like Duran Duran, having a few beers and looking mildy bored.

Fade out to ad break

Scene Three

Music- The opening intro chords to the live version of Spaceman...

In a pastiche of 'The Snowman', the cartoon Snowman takes the young cartoon version of Brandon in his dressing gown and they fly over the British countryside to the sound of Spaceman. The young Brandon is both startled and awestruck as the magnificent Snowman takes him on a journey over snow covered fields, roads, valleys and sea.  Wild hares, foxes, cows and snow tigers look on, a tail of a whale crashes into the sea, Dolphins join them partly on their journey north. Boys and girls in their houses at night look out of the window, pissheads on ferry's at the spectacle before them. In the distance a swarm of Snowmen join them on their journey, three of them carrying Mark, Ronnie and Dave. This version of the snowman is wearing Brandon's trademark pheasant feathers on his shoulders. 

As they go higher and higher they approach the northern lights, which dance with them in this strange, haunting, beautiful sky ballet. With a sparkle of colourful dust Brandon, and his band members are all wearing space suits as they all head into space. The Snowmen don't need them obviously.On the moon there is a beacon of light in the shape of the letter 'K'. We become aware of the band set up, the keyboards, the drums and the guitar and in a Lunar module Ray looks on, waving to the Killers as they take to the surface of the Moon and perform the rest of the song while Raymond Briggs Snowmen and the grumpy and drunken Santa are all raving. Even Saint-Exupery's 'Little Prince' is there. Santa hands Brandon a  New Order CD. Brandon beams. As the music starts to fade the Snowman takes him back home. After one long, life affirming last hug and a last look back, Brandon goes into the house as The Snowman takes his position. The morning after there is nothing but a mound of snow and the pheasant feathers on the ground. Brandon is heartbroken. He checks his pocket and finds the New Order CD. The camera pans out leaving the crestfallen Brandon looking at the mound of snow.

CUT TO:

Scene Four

'Joyride'
Brandon is in an open top sports car dressed in a white suit, open necked shirt, a medallion and  white gloves. The other members of the Killers are in the car, cruising down the neon drenched sunset strip looking to score. Brandon is out looking for action. He's totally glammed up and looking like a mean motherfucker. By his side, on a leash is that wild cat from the Human video. They enter some tacky club. During the 'oh oh oh' bits the Killers take to the under floor lit dance floor, dancing a bit like John Travolta. The Wild Cat meanwhile looks pissed as he's on the lookout for prey, climbing the walls, scampering across bars and tables, creating chaos. It turns into a bar brawl. The darn wild cat attackes Matt Belamy from Muse (just in case you don't know who Muse are or how Bellamy is spelt or svelte.) Chairs and bottles get smashed over heads, the wild cat savages anyone it comes into contact with, the police arrive with Sherrif John Bunnel (retired) in tow, who puts his gun to Dave's head in a standoff. Meanwhile, throughout, Mark has been professionally playing the bass and ignoring all the chaos, like a true pro.

Scene Five

'Human'

Brandon is at a lectern at one of those big political gatherings. Before the song he giggles and says 'This is it! There ain't gonna be no more...this is it! And when I say it, I mean it!' He starts off with a stuffy suit, then half way through tears it off to reveal his preacher man look.  Maybe it's a world peace event, I don't know. Anyway he's gracing everyone with platitudes, smiling and being the optimistic American. The gathering suits are lapping up his sentiments. Behind the glare of the cameras are a troupe of guards armed with snow tigers at their sides, trained on the audience. At the climax of the song stars and stripes confetti floods the congregation and everyone starts raving, showgirls enter the stage throwing candy out to everyone and dancers with Elmo masks from Sesame Street turn up.The other members of the band are dressed as Captain America.

At the end of the song the two men from Fantasy Island enter the stage and shake Brandon's hand.

MAN IN WHITE: Ah Brandon! Welcome to my world, and welcome to your fantasy Christmas special!

BRANDON: ( with nerves) Hi!

DWARF IN WHITE: This is the best fantasy ever, amigo! I like Elmo.

MAN IN WHITE: Tell us about Elmo. You keep an Elmo pumpkin at home, yes? How does it work?

BRANDON: Um...you buy one of these Elmo stencils, carve it out and light the sucker up!

MAN IN WHITE: This is your band, right? You! (He points to Mark) You don't say much but you look Nordic, no?

MARK: ?

BRANDON: He's kinda shy. We're all kinda shy. (Giggles like a scared boy for twenty five seconds)

DWARF IN WHITE: (Hugs Brandon around the waist) Oh, this is the best Christmas ever! Much better than Cesar Millan. I don't like Cesar Millan.

MAN IN WHITE: And now, ladies, gentlemen, kings and queens, pixies and fairies, vampires and werewolves, urchins and millionaires, for their next trick The Killers will perform a song called 'Mr Brightside'...in three...dee!

Scene Six

'Mr Brightside'

Brandon and the boys are dressed as Adam and The Ants. Brandon is Adam from the Prince Charming era. They perform Mr Brightside in front of rich guests at a Cinderella ball. Gabriel Byrne stars at the King. They try the glass slipper on various guests, such as the ugly sisters played by Beth Ditto, Amy Winehouse and Fergie. Brandon is unable to find his Princess. He doesn't care. He rattles through the song, then launches himself at a swinging chandler and hurls himself through the tall windows during the 'I neverrrrrrr' refrain and escapes in a carriage at the end.

Scene Seven

'Tidal Wave'

Brandon is standing on the top deck of a lighthouse, looking at the beams hit the fog in the night as if he's waiting for his ship to come in. The light beams hit crashing waves and dark grey skies. It's like the end of the world.  At the end of the song his face is streaming with tears and the lights go out.

Scene Eight

'A Great Big Sled'

The Killers are having snowball fights, building a snowman and generally dicking about. They've invited some celebrity guests to join in with the song, like an ironic Band Aid. They are joined by Brian Wilson, Ed from Friendly Fires, and snooker player Jimmy White (becasue we couldn't get Mick Jagger) They're all wearing woolly jumpers and generally frolicking about. They retire to their log cabin to sup mulled wine and eat mince pies around the tree whilst they sing the final chorus around the piano.

Closing credits.

An instrumental version of 'Losing Touch' as played on Xylophone plays as we see the Killers aeroplane take off into the distance in slow motion. Over the image 'Merry Christmas from The Killers x' is superimposed as handwritten by one of the band, probably Brandon's but I'm sure Ronnie's will do.