HIS LIGHT REVIEW 2009

Some things I enjoyed this year:

 

 

 
 

 

 
 

 

 

 

 

 

Christmas With The Killers

I wrote a treatment for a proposed NBC The Killers Christmas Special. For some reason it wasnever realised, until now. So sit back, relax, have a mince pie and a glass of wine, or a pot of hot coffee, or a bowl of jelly babies, or peanuts, or a couple of slice of toasted bread, topped with Heinz Toast Toppers (other toppings are available) and settle down to Christmas With The Killers.

OPENING TITLES

'Viva The Killers' starring Brandon Flowers.

You have to watch the above clip to truly appreciate the feel and format of this special.

An instrumental version of 'Don't Shoot me Santa' plays over the credits as we track a plane in the sky, arriving at Honolulu airport. As the band members disembark, the music fades down and is replaced by an Hawaiian version of 'Uncle Johnny' as they are greeted by hula girls who put flowers in the band members hair and place garlands around their necks.  

Brandon looks visibly awkward whilst Mark is nonplussed. While they are disembarking we are aware of a running commentary by a bloke with a Spanish accent (the guy from Fantasy Island basically) who's telling us all about the Killers, how  many albums they've sold, when they were formed, what things they despise, etc. We then see two blokes dressed smartly in white. (From Fantasy Island basically) One of them is about three feet tall. Lots of canned applause from an audience we never see.

Small Man in White Suit With Spanish Accent: Boss, why are they called The Killers?

Man in White Suit: Who can tell what the mysteries of the universe and fate have decided but...these sweet men, looked to music and poetry to find the answers.

Small  Man: I like The Killers. They are the best band in the world. They have come to the best place in the world!

Man in White Suit With Spanish Accent: Welcome to Hawaii, my friends. In Hawaii it is always summer, it's always a place for laughter, romance and honeymoons. Fear not if you have not brought your own cocktails because we will provide all the hospitality, casinos, girls, boys, theatres, magic, lasers and  a cocktail of music, laughter, love, tears...(turns to camera and points) and tonight, ladies and gentleman, The Killers will be your hosts. Enjoy!

Scene One

'Begin the Beguine'

We are in a swanky, slightly tacky, expensive nightclub, with the guests watching on tables and chairs. The music strikes up, Brandon appears on one staircase, while Julio Iglesias appears on the other. They are both wearing glittery suits with open neck shirts and medallions. They meet in the middle and perform the songs. Many shots of disco glitter balls suffice and we see that the members of the band are dressed in white suits, as a kind of ironic house band. At the end of the song Brandon and Julio compete for the world's brightest and cheesiest smile.

Cut to;

Scene Two

'I Can't Stay'

We're on a beach, the sun is setting, the waves are rolling in, couples are walking on the sand and we track to the bar where Brandon is serving cocktails. Neil Tennant is on the bar stool with raised eyebrows as he leers and gushes, 'I say you've been raising eyebrows on both sides of the bar.' Brandon laughs nervously like Matt Damon in The Talented Mr Ripley.' As the music swells up Brandon begins shaking the cocktail shaker as the opening bars of 'I can't stay' swell up. A brass band accompany him as he sings the song, mounting the bar at one stage and evolving into cocktail waiters all on the beach in a majestic dance routine featuring giant cocktail umbrellas, twirling them, limbo dancing, and even doing the Lambada dance with each other, while Brandon refuses to dance with that bloke from Kings of Leon. The rest of the boys feature in this but only if you freeze frame the hard drive recorder and look for them on a yacht like Duran Duran, having a few beers and looking mildy bored.

Fade out to ad break

Scene Three

Music- The opening intro chords to the live version of Spaceman...

In a pastiche of 'The Snowman', the cartoon Snowman takes the young cartoon version of Brandon in his dressing gown and they fly over the British countryside to the sound of Spaceman. The young Brandon is both startled and awestruck as the magnificent Snowman takes him on a journey over snow covered fields, roads, valleys and sea.  Wild hares, foxes, cows and snow tigers look on, a tail of a whale crashes into the sea, Dolphins join them partly on their journey north. Boys and girls in their houses at night look out of the window, pissheads on ferry's at the spectacle before them. In the distance a swarm of Snowmen join them on their journey, three of them carrying Mark, Ronnie and Dave. This version of the snowman is wearing Brandon's trademark pheasant feathers on his shoulders. 

As they go higher and higher they approach the northern lights, which dance with them in this strange, haunting, beautiful sky ballet. With a sparkle of colourful dust Brandon, and his band members are all wearing space suits as they all head into space. The Snowmen don't need them obviously.On the moon there is a beacon of light in the shape of the letter 'K'. We become aware of the band set up, the keyboards, the drums and the guitar and in a Lunar module Ray looks on, waving to the Killers as they take to the surface of the Moon and perform the rest of the song while Raymond Briggs Snowmen and the grumpy and drunken Santa are all raving. Even Saint-Exupery's 'Little Prince' is there. Santa hands Brandon a  New Order CD. Brandon beams. As the music starts to fade the Snowman takes him back home. After one long, life affirming last hug and a last look back, Brandon goes into the house as The Snowman takes his position. The morning after there is nothing but a mound of snow and the pheasant feathers on the ground. Brandon is heartbroken. He checks his pocket and finds the New Order CD. The camera pans out leaving the crestfallen Brandon looking at the mound of snow.

CUT TO:

Scene Four

'Joyride'
Brandon is in an open top sports car dressed in a white suit, open necked shirt, a medallion and  white gloves. The other members of the Killers are in the car, cruising down the neon drenched sunset strip looking to score. Brandon is out looking for action. He's totally glammed up and looking like a mean motherfucker. By his side, on a leash is that wild cat from the Human video. They enter some tacky club. During the 'oh oh oh' bits the Killers take to the under floor lit dance floor, dancing a bit like John Travolta. The Wild Cat meanwhile looks pissed as he's on the lookout for prey, climbing the walls, scampering across bars and tables, creating chaos. It turns into a bar brawl. The darn wild cat attackes Matt Belamy from Muse (just in case you don't know who Muse are or how Bellamy is spelt or svelte.) Chairs and bottles get smashed over heads, the wild cat savages anyone it comes into contact with, the police arrive with Sherrif John Bunnel (retired) in tow, who puts his gun to Dave's head in a standoff. Meanwhile, throughout, Mark has been professionally playing the bass and ignoring all the chaos, like a true pro.

Scene Five

'Human'

Brandon is at a lectern at one of those big political gatherings. Before the song he giggles and says 'This is it! There ain't gonna be no more...this is it! And when I say it, I mean it!' He starts off with a stuffy suit, then half way through tears it off to reveal his preacher man look.  Maybe it's a world peace event, I don't know. Anyway he's gracing everyone with platitudes, smiling and being the optimistic American. The gathering suits are lapping up his sentiments. Behind the glare of the cameras are a troupe of guards armed with snow tigers at their sides, trained on the audience. At the climax of the song stars and stripes confetti floods the congregation and everyone starts raving, showgirls enter the stage throwing candy out to everyone and dancers with Elmo masks from Sesame Street turn up.The other members of the band are dressed as Captain America.

At the end of the song the two men from Fantasy Island enter the stage and shake Brandon's hand.

MAN IN WHITE: Ah Brandon! Welcome to my world, and welcome to your fantasy Christmas special!

BRANDON: ( with nerves) Hi!

DWARF IN WHITE: This is the best fantasy ever, amigo! I like Elmo.

MAN IN WHITE: Tell us about Elmo. You keep an Elmo pumpkin at home, yes? How does it work?

BRANDON: Um...you buy one of these Elmo stencils, carve it out and light the sucker up!

MAN IN WHITE: This is your band, right? You! (He points to Mark) You don't say much but you look Nordic, no?

MARK: ?

BRANDON: He's kinda shy. We're all kinda shy. (Giggles like a scared boy for twenty five seconds)

DWARF IN WHITE: (Hugs Brandon around the waist) Oh, this is the best Christmas ever! Much better than Cesar Millan. I don't like Cesar Millan.

MAN IN WHITE: And now, ladies, gentlemen, kings and queens, pixies and fairies, vampires and werewolves, urchins and millionaires, for their next trick The Killers will perform a song called 'Mr Brightside'...in three...dee!

Scene Six

'Mr Brightside'

Brandon and the boys are dressed as Adam and The Ants. Brandon is Adam from the Prince Charming era. They perform Mr Brightside in front of rich guests at a Cinderella ball. Gabriel Byrne stars at the King. They try the glass slipper on various guests, such as the ugly sisters played by Beth Ditto, Amy Winehouse and Fergie. Brandon is unable to find his Princess. He doesn't care. He rattles through the song, then launches himself at a swinging chandler and hurls himself through the tall windows during the 'I neverrrrrrr' refrain and escapes in a carriage at the end.

Scene Seven

'Tidal Wave'

Brandon is standing on the top deck of a lighthouse, looking at the beams hit the fog in the night as if he's waiting for his ship to come in. The light beams hit crashing waves and dark grey skies. It's like the end of the world.  At the end of the song his face is streaming with tears and the lights go out.

Scene Eight

'A Great Big Sled'

The Killers are having snowball fights, building a snowman and generally dicking about. They've invited some celebrity guests to join in with the song, like an ironic Band Aid. They are joined by Brian Wilson, Ed from Friendly Fires, and snooker player Jimmy White (becasue we couldn't get Mick Jagger) They're all wearing woolly jumpers and generally frolicking about. They retire to their log cabin to sup mulled wine and eat mince pies around the tree whilst they sing the final chorus around the piano.

Closing credits.

An instrumental version of 'Losing Touch' as played on Xylophone plays as we see the Killers aeroplane take off into the distance in slow motion. Over the image 'Merry Christmas from The Killers x' is superimposed as handwritten by one of the band, probably Brandon's but I'm sure Ronnie's will do.

Slave To The Rhythm

Grace Jones partially terrified me when I was a kid. She was in 'A View To A Kill'. went out with Rocky IV's Drago and leathered Russel Harty on his chat show for being rude to her. She frequented the clubs of New York, catwalks of Paris, her image was featured in a cool as fuck advert for some car and made a sexy record called 'Pull Up To The Bumper,' with a groove that could inspire an erection. Don't worry, Grace fans, she isn't dead or anything. If she wasn't popstar material then I don't know who is or was. She was more Gaga than Lady Gaga. For me this song is intrisically Grace Jones and it represents one of the best productions I have ever heard. On first listening you can dismiss it as a kind of wine bar, yuppie disco kind of song that Patrick Bateman might wax lyrical about. It's much more than that. It's lush, aspirational, bizarre, terryfing 'Herrre's Grace!', satirical, luxury chocolates, expensive perfume. The sound itself is spacious as a fast car whisking you off to drinks at a casino in Monte Carlo, it's an epic film , it's indescribable.


My other half can't listen to it. It brings back bad flashbacks of her perforated eardrum. The video is also absurd, exotic, sleek, sensual and also in its own way quite tormenting and traumatic. All these adjectives could easily apply to Grace herself. Listen to it...about 15 times and make up your own mind.

HEINZ TOAST TOPPERS 70p from Sainsbury's

The Hitchikers Guide to The Galaxy has this to say about toast toppers:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/A855263

 

I can't keep it secret anymore. The urge to tell you is too great. I'm sure it will disgust you. It kind of disgusts me but I know in my heart it's no less than what I deserve. My name is Smirnov and I love Heinz Toast Toppers. Cheese and Ham flavour to be exact. I probably had my first slice of toast with the toppers on top sometime in 1985/86. Instant cheese on toast! I felt no shame as I fed the toasted bread into my mouth and sank my teeth into the liberally applied warm, seemingly cheese and ham topping. My taste buds felt as if they'd had casual, cheap, back street sex with someone slightly attractive. Years later as my pallet marginally, only marginally became more developed, but not much more... in fact not a lot at all, I came to understand that many people didn't actually share my illicit appreciation for this snack.

 

I've only actually eaten toast toppers about 12 times in my life, three of them because there was no other food in the cupboard, but every time I now acquire a small tin I'm transported to being 13 again, watching Thundercats on TV, taping Euro Top 20 off the radio, having no money, but suitably having that fucked up imagination of a 13 year old who imagines he's living it up with a French Bread Pizza.

Pet Shop Boys, Etc

I don't own the collectable vinyl edition of the 'Yes' album. I don't have a record player or three hundred quid to spare.  Having all their albums, CD singles, 12" singles, remixes, rarities, VHS, DVD's, books, concert programmes, the odd item signed, a mug from the Nightlife concert (you would be treated with some suspicion if you claimed you weren't a fan of the Pet Shop Boys). 

I am a fan as it happens and even if I look forward to every new PSB release, buy them, download them (legally obviously) and make my own compilations based on b-sides, remixes and album tracks, and give them my own one word titles such as 'Menagarie, 'Besides' and 'Climax', I'm not one of those obsessive fans who collect promos off ebay or give up my job to spend 6 months following them on tour, send Neil balloons, create discussion forums where I ban anyone who doesn't feed my ego or agree with me. I'm also not one of those fan's who believes the sun shine's out of their arses. I'm not wholly keen on  the 'Release album, 'Closer To Heaven' musical and  some of the dubious decisions made by their record company in selecting the wrong songs to issue as singles. I suppose I've become a bit of an unofficial share holder. The Pet Shop Boys have become a business that needs to be protected and cared for. 

 I enjoy the Pet Shop Boys for many reasons. Foremost they write beautiful, melancholy, sincere and euphoric pop music about love, loss and life. They have a distinct sound that while it borrows partially from italo/euro/techno/synth pop/SAW/modern classical, the sound is their own. As with Warp records or Kompakt they have a distinct and clean design aesthetic, an identity harvested by Eric Watson, Farrow, Weber, Sam Taylor-Wood, Scott King, Jarman or E's Devlin. Their appreciation and adoptation of modern art has lent itself to many visual treats over the years, be it smoothing your hands across the pristine, minimal artwork of 'Please' to leafing through the programme of the latest tour, even somehow, in my case, smelling the glossy pages and associating the chemical aroma with the scientific, clinicalism of the boys. I'm being a bit daft there of course.  Now if they ever produce a range of teas called 'Infusion' they will really cater to the senses of smell and taste as well as touch, sight and sound. 

When they collected the award at the Brits for Outstanding Contribution to Pop Music early in the year, in the way you'd expect, stylish, sincere, and not thanking every record exec and their mother, I suspect I wasn't one of the first people who initially felt they should refuse it. After all it's an awards ceremony. It's backslapping bullshit and who can accept an award accepted by Bob Geldoff or the Spice Girls? I was proved wrong. I never doubted they wouldn't put on a show to make everything that had ever gone before totally redundant. I'm still not sure what the award is actually for. They have never had anything to prove as far as I and all of their fans aware. I guess it was nice seeing them on prime time TV again.  Remind the people who fell off their radar how relevant they were and ARE, what truly good pop music is about, how they make you want to dance and educate you, how they can transport you to a place in a time that maybe felt happier even if it wasn't. I don't know. In comparison most pop songs, even the secondary Xenomania pop records just sound dated, poor and not forward thinking enough (forward thinking, I'm sure is a term Tennant would hate).

When I was growing up in a council estate in the mid 80s Pet Shop Boys kept me company, their music gave me aspiration when the country was being raped by the tories. When every other student was listening to grunge and conservative 'Britpop' I defied them all with 'Very', 'Billigual' and 'Alternative'. It's all there, the backdrop of my life contained in the lyrics to 'This Used To Be The Future.' I'm a fan. Perhaps not their biggest fan but their sanest one? They still have the wrong singles released (why no Fugitive?), they got into a slight debate about the nine minute version of 'This Must Be The Place I Waited Years To Leave' and you can still forgive them. Some critics think they should have split after Very, that Neil shouldn't have come out, that they should have remained mysterious and moody, that they shouldn't hobnob with the London media elite, they shouldn't name drop, they shouldn't have put out 'Release' but you know what? They can do whatever they like.

 I once had an argument at school in 1988 with a couple of boys about who was better Pet Shop Boys or Michael Jackson. They reckoned Jackson was the greatest because he'd sold millions and millions more and was fabulously famous. In the great scheme of things I still think I'm right. I don't care about sales. Just the music. Aways the music.

Pet Shop Boys will be touring in the UK in December with their fantastic Pandemonium on Tour' Their new EP 'Christmas' is available from Amazon.co.uk and their Pet Shop Boys website petshopboys.co.uk