'We're nothing apart...let's stay friends forever'

Maybe it was inevitable but my favourite band, the much underrated and unappreciated A-ha have announced that after a world 'farewell' tour next year they will split up. Although I won't be lighting a candle or setting up a support group or all of that rubbish that accompanied Take That and Oasis splitting, I will miss the new albums and remember some of the fantastic pop singles and album tracks they gave us. Obviously to me they aren't just fantastic performers and genius songwriters but they are in part pioneers of the music video. I realise that this post is not very eloquent at the moment and I will say more later. Don't worry I'm not weeping or spilling tears on the keys. As I'm typing this though I can hear 'Stay on These Roads' playing on the iPod dock in the kitchen where the builder is working. Whatever happens they are responsible for a canon of pop music that will never be forgotten. Stay on these roads.

What colour do you dream in?

I know it's old but I've just seen it, right?

Screw The Past: Sparks

Prepare yourself for a treat. As mentioned in my previous post Sparks are releasing a musical. Not oneof those shite and cynical pieces of shit like 'We Will Rock You' but an original radio musical about Ingmar Bergman.
This is worth getting reasonably excited about as it follows an impressive run of albums, that began with Lil' Beethoven, which in my eyes threw them into genius territory.

Now this proclaimation isn't to be taken lightly. In this age where every band and album the NME promotes claims to speak to their generation, where they just so happen to be the best thing since Joy Division, Sex Pistols and the discovery of fire, this proclaimation does have more credibility.

But I have the evidence. I haven't been able to get the evidence out of my head. I have objectivity. I don't have an agenda to go down in history as the beneficiary of popular music. Hello Young Lovers is a masterpiece, a feat, made only ever more remarkable by the fact that their last album Lil' Beethoven was also a masterpiece and so is 'Exotic Creatures of the Deep', albeit it not quite as focused as their new opus. Their 1980 album, Number 1 Song In Heaven, produced with Giorgio Moroder, is probably the world's best disco album.

The music of Sparks, their approach, their attitude, their sense of irony carries everything that the ultra-conservative bands of today lack. The music of Sparks is beautiful, it's romantic, it's lyrical, and tragic, cheeky. It's dark, atmospheric, concerned, and disillusioned. Lil' Beethoven , it's string arrangments and multi-layered repitative vocal excursions, contained in a pop forumula, was very much the blueprint for Hello Young Lovers which adds to this mix drums, rock guitars, and more of Russell's operatic flourishes. Standout tracks such as 'Dick Around, 'Metaphor', 'Perfume', 'Waterproof', 'Rock Rock Rock', bring together the classical and the classic rock of early Spark albums to bring you a stylish, polished disc, not afraid to subtley take on the themes and re-evaluate society, popular culture, infidelity, religion and politics. Of course all deleivered in the grandiose style. This was continued in 'Exotic Creatures of the Deep' and no doubt has progressed in the genre of the musical with 'The Seduction of Ingmar Bergman.' The results of an experiment between Gilbert and George and Beethoven may well achieve similar results. But I doubt it.

Some things I'm reasonably excited about so far...

I've always enjoyed Kraftwerk since I first heard 'The Model' in 1981. And you don't have to be Einstein to know how influential they were on dance music, etc. Essential. Perhaps more so than the next act who I'm reasonably excited about...


The first Beatles albums I ever 'taped' off someone was the 'Red' and 'Blue' albums in 1995. Obviously The Beatles were always so ubiquitous that you didn't really have to own anything by them. I've never really been into 60s music, but the point with The Beatles is that you can't consider them to be 60s music, in so far as they, like Kraftwerk, are pretty much responsible for modern pop music and unfortunately...Oasis. That's not to say that 60s music isn't much cop and only The Beatles are worthwhile. No, it's probably because it wasn't an era I grew up in. I love some of the output by The Beach Boys as well. Although I could appreciate the songwriting of Lennon/McCartney I never got the whole thing about how great Sgt Pepper sounded because either the original CD masters weren't much cop or it was the cheap Hi-Fi system I had. That changed when I bought the 'Love' CD when the panoramic sound college and my superior system hinted at what could be possible if their albums went through a decent remastering. Anyway, can't wait. I'll probably get one or two albums a month and make my own definitive compilation. I'll start with The Beatles 'White' album.

Following what critics often lazily hail as a 'return to form' in the form of 'Yes' the recent Pet Shop Boys album, all being well, I'll be seeing them at the Manchester Evening News Arena for a live show this December that promises Chris' disco mirror ball jacket, live versions of 'Please' tracks, 'Two Divided By Zero' and 'Why Don't We Live Together?' and a track list that's programmed and arranged by super producer Stuart Price. Whey!

For the past three albums Sparks have done no wrong. They have transformed, progressed and continued to produce a sound that is their very own. In many respects their last three albums OWN those of their counterparts. Now having heard the radio version of the new Sparks musical about the nightmarish adventures of Ingmar Bergman in Hollywood, it doesn't immediately grab you as the last couple of Sparks albums. That's beside the point. As with 'Lil' Beethoven' I'll probably be hooked by the third listen and we can hope that a film version starring Ron and Russell will follow.
Everyone who knows me, and that's not too many outside my other half and my sole work mate, my boss maybe...well they know that I adore Little Boots. They'll know that I will go out of my way to say how platonic it is and that she's like the step-sister I never had. The fact is, well my fact is, is that she's a fantastic pop star with pop songs as catchy and euphoric that I haven't heard since the 80s. The fact that she wasn't nominated for the Mercury Music Prize doesn't matter as the judges are reactionary tossers, no does the fact that 'Remedy' didn't go number 1 mean that it isn't the best pop song of the year. Irrelevant. As far as I'm concerned she pisses on La Roux and her contemporaries but that isn't important. It's the potential...where will she go...what will she be like in five years...reclusive like Kate Bush, sexualised like Madonna but still jumping onto the trendiest producer, a homecoming queen like Kylie, down the dumper like Kate Nash and probably La Roux or...Can't wait to see her live show this autumn.


Waiting for confirmation of the live DVD of The Killers Live at RAH which I attended in the summer. It was a triumphant show of glitter, sparks, theatrics, arm waving, air-punching, big choruses, powerful chords and emotions. Spectacular. If they can capture 25% on DVD it'll be worth it. Should be out in November.

So these are some of the things I'm reasomnably excited about. Hope you are too.

Mute Chorus

I have a confession to make. Actually I have quite a few but for the purposes of this feature I'll let you in on a secret. Coming ready or not. I'm an Erasure fan. What no reaction? Erraaasssure!

Perhaps you think I'm madder than ever. Perhaps this musical faux pas may be quickly forgotten about and we'll never speak of this again. After all they're just not 'cool' enough to be taken seriously or to be worthy of credible appraisal. But it's not pop music's role to be 'cool'. Pop can be as naff, exciting, tear-jerking, ecstatic and as offensive as it likes. Let's not get bogged down on the state of pop music. 'But why are you harping on about an 80s pop act?' you may well ask. Okay so they aren't as popular as they once were, very few acts over twenty odd years in the music business tend to shift as many units as they used to, but this is besides the point. So Erasure haven't had a no.1 album since 1994 and their albums since then have, well, not delivered anywhere near the same amounts of success. So what? Here's more Erasure.

So, you cynics like me, may ask, was there ever a time when Erasure were popular or cool? The eloquent answer to this must be, you're damn fucking right! I'm not so sure about how 'cool' they ever were but put it this why, hailing from the 'cool' label Mute Records, and largely considered an 'indie' act because of the labels business credentials, Erasure were, ooh, for at least 7 or 8 years decently promoted and featured in many publications in the music press. The idiosyncratic pure electronic pop of the duo, the flamboyance and sheer knack of knocking out more than a few quality three minute pop singles contributed to countless Top 10 singles (including the odd number 2 and number 1 single), five no. 1 albums, sell out arena tours (including one 50,000 capacity at Milton 'big bowl of fruit' Keynes in 1990) and were coveted by mums, dads, sisters, brothers, gay people, straight people, black people and even music journalists. Everyone I hung around with in my youth from about 1986-1991 adored Erasure, of course they adored The Communards, Pet Shop Boys, Bros, A-ha and Wet Wet Wet as well but you know what I mean.

I suppose the hype and popularity of Erasure in the late 80s was not dissimilar to Scissor Sisters a couple of years ago or the shocking success of Mika. There acts are more or less exactly the same market but Erasure's 2005 album, 'Nightbird' and 2007's 'Light At The End of The World' seemed to bypass this market somehow. So yes, they were popular...and to some extent, if you actually care, cool, given that Mute Records have given us Depeche Mode, Goldfrapp and Moby, Nick Cave, tend to be regarded as safe bets of what might given the impression of credible. So my question to the music industry is what happened? The public couldn't have fallen out of love with Erasure if the press weren't writing about them. Was Erasure's last greatest single really 'Always'? The recent 'Breathe' which made the Top 5 in 2005 is regraded by Erasure fans as a classic. 2007's 'I Could Fall in Love With You' had all the hallmarks and infectious hooks of an Erasure floor filler at weddings.

While we're at it, in the days when I went to Under 18s discos, the moment the Indian Rubber Megamix of Erasure came on, the moving throng would bob you along to the dance floor. Some Sunday nights in 1987/88 in my town were given over to Erasure nights. So why the cold shoulder? Can they really be dismissed as 'too camp' in an age where Kylie and any number of Big Brother winners are whored around? Has their sound committed the cardinal sin in 'serious' music publications of not jumping on any half-arsed popular generic bandwagon? I want to understand why, it's probably the same kind of curiosity in me that wonder why A-ha aren't the biggest band in the world when U2, Oasis and The Killers are generally considered to be. I mean Yazoo, Vince's previous incarnation enjoyed some really glowing reviews when they got back together for some shows in 2008.

I'm fairly confident that Erasure's fall from grace is due in part to a number of factors. Erasure fans will lay some of the blame on the issue of class. Erasure aren't seen as classy as, say, at a guess, the Pet Shop Boys. Andy Bell has spoken out about a homophobic media and press, and although there may be a lot of truth in his claims, it didn't stop Michael Eavis inviting the Pet Shop Boys to play Glastonbury in 2000. So are Pet Shop Boys to blame? They enjoy more acclaim, column inches and publicity. However are they any more successful? Both bands produce electronic pop. Erasure use vintage synths, while Pet Shop Boys straddle contemporary dance genres. Lyrically Neil and Andy are different, the formers lyrics tend to be introspective, detached, intellectual, sincere and heartbreaking, whilst Andy too does heartbreaking, but his words are often sentimental, fairytale-like, personal and unusual. The fans of both bands may very well have similar subtle differences and aspirations but I'm sure they share a love of classic pop music, be it Abba, The Human League, New Order or Kylie Minogue and I know from some casual visits to the various forums, Erasure fans are just as contemporary and forward looking in their tastes as the Pet Shop Boys fan. So why division? And derision?

My own rationale for this oversight is that the media and music press must have got bored with Erasure. To them Erasure were a novelty and while it lasted they sold copy. Above this there was a couple of weak albums and strange single choices. Arguably the self-titled 'Erasure' album released in 1996 was their strongest, consistent, dark and experimental opus. This was the most overlooked. A true 'lost' and 'misunderstood' album. Ironically this was where the commercial decline began. This wasn't redeemed by 1997's weaker, 'Cowboy' album. The album title alone was, at worst, questionable and apart from the singles extracted from it, it failed to open up anything refreshing. Then when fresh electronic music, or 'electroclash' was starting to emerge from New York, Erasure put out 'Loveboat', a dirtier sounding work produced with Flood. This album, some fans wondered, was mastered all wrong. I enjoyed the brave sonic experiment but I wondered why on earth it was called 'Loveboat', why the cover art was naff and cheap looking and where had the four on the floor singles gone. Maybe they were forced to walk the plank. Nevertheless it was their worst performing album since 1985's 'Wonderland'. So was Erasure finally sunk? Well not exactly. There was a dubious cover's album in 2003 in the shape of 'Other People's Songs' which saw them return to the Top Ten singles chart in the UK with 'Solsbury Hill' and the next album, 2005's 'Nightbird' did give the impression of featuring a couple of Erasure classic signature sounds with chords and hooks to match, but nothing quite as seductively pop or classic as 'The Innocents' or 'Chorus'. Then came 2007's 'Light At The End Of The World'. Well this was in many sense a return to form, if you forgive the horrendous cover art work, and it did pick up some good reviews for ages, but, well, is it now too late?

In spite of all of the above I'm enjoying the joys of Erasure, past and present in the shape of their best album tracks, b-sides and remixes, all collected and updated in my iTunes playlists, and with the re-emergence of electronic music, maybe it's time for you to re-appraise Erasure.

Minidiscs Various Prices from various places

There's much I can say about minidiscs. They're small, cute, cool, have crystal clear sound and are a fantastic device for storing your data and music. I owned a couple of MD players and an integrated MD player with the associated discs between 2000-2004. I used to record my favourite singles, Pet Shop Boys remix compilations, tons of stuff I was able to listen to from Audio Galaxy and even made a couple of my own albums on the MD. I love MD's. I still do. Unfortunately the player and the format is a dying breed. The tactile little plastic square that allows you to edit tracks, tag the titles, move and erase is looking at extinction unless something can be done. Don't take my word for it, read what this guy has to say http://www.donationcoder.com/Forums/bb/index.php?topic=9952.0

There's not much else I can say about these little things. I don't believe they failed because of the emerging CD burners but rather because they, as with mp3s, weren't given their full support. For me, I never lost interest but when the iPod came along, and iTunes, I just ended up using them as a portable format. I still like listening to CD's on my music system rather than Party Shuffle but since I bought my new system, it didn't have an integrated MD player, otherwise I'd still be making MD's. I'm a bastard for this. I realise that. Sorry.

George Foreman's Mean Lean Grilling Machine £15.97 from TESCO

Picked the smaller version from Tesco since it was on sale. Haven't given it a full test yet, beyond making two burgers, which I enjoyed and a grilled cheese sandwich, which wasn't too good. My other half enjoys the pitta bread sandwiches though and is impressed with the speed it takes to grill bacon. But apparently it's a good invention, even if the drainage means that food can sometimes feel a bit dry. When I first saw this advertised about ten years ago, accompanied by the amount of things you could supposedly grill I thought 'What's the point?' We already had one of these machines, albeit it wasn't as lean or light in the late 80s, and it may have taken around two minutes to do a minute steak, but it still tasted as good. And George Foreman, apart from being a boxer used to have a sit-come dedicated to a version of himself years before the self-conscious, pretend reality programmes about Hulk Hogan or Pammy Anderson. (Doesn't Pam sound like a lesbian name?) When will we see one about Lee Majors? So yeah, it's a grilling machine. It takes up some space on the work top and you have to arse around a bit wiping all the fat off the grill but according to the hype that surrounds it, we're supposed to be taking less fat intake from it, and thus our lifestyle will be somewhat healthier for it. Hmm.

iPod Touch £165.00 from Apple Store UK

Now I am aware that talking about this particular Apple product may involve a couple of possible responses. 'Yesterday's news,', 'A poor man's iPhone,' and such like, but I don't care. Since I was given this as a present for Christmas I've hardly been able to keep my fingertips off it. I actually love inputting my 'To Do' Application, even if I have tons of assignments, unfinished novels to complete, music projects, mostly because I've been wasting time inputting and playing with my Apps or, to be honest, just masturbating. iPod boasted that you could fit your entire record collection in your pocket. Well, eventually, try fitting your library, your DVD's, photo albums, your documents and paperwork, your desktop and laptops in your pocket.

Yes, I know, unless you have wi-fi connection it's pretty redundant. Yes, I'm aware that there are those of you so technologically adavanced that you could point me to less pretty but cheaper, more functional and practical alternatives. And if I'm able, and I'm sure someone could tell me how, to create, edit and transfer documents to and from my computer, then I might even laugh. My favourite 'Apps' are 'Bloom' and the social networking platforms that allow me the empty illusion of being popular. I have a couple of music themes apps, a Mr T one that wears thin the more you hear it and some useful but slightly pointless foreign laguage phrase books, the hope being that one day I might actually be partially multilingual. But most of the time I can't get wi-fi because I don't have wi-fi at home, so I tend to use it at work, instead of doing work. It would have been fun to write this up on my iPod touch but I'm at home and I don't have wi-fi at home. I could of course try and 'piggy back' on someone else's unsecured wi-fi connection but the iPod touch isn't terribly powerful and anyway, most people are quite secure these days on wi-fi. So I suppose the answer is to get an iPhone but it's too expensive for me. And for that price I'd want a laptop in my pocket. Maybe someone will eventually come along and explain it all for me, that there's all kinds of sensible ways around my issues with this product but I'm not holding my breath.

I do hope my evaluation doesn't come across as smug faced. It isn't my intention. What's closer to the truth is that I'm writing this on a Friday night when I could and should be doing something more interesting. I can't be bothered with the Comic Relief thing, not because I'm a malcontent or something, not because I'm a skinflint, a misanthrope (even though I'm actually in the red) but because it's not partcularly funny (and I don't mean those rather sappy, slightly condescending films featuring celebrties and African kids, showing how caring and normal they are, the tone being 'Come on, you've had a laugh, let's be serious and sensible for a minute...try and reflect, then we'll give you some more cheap, oh so cheap, laughs.')

ABBA GOLD CASSETTE £9.99 FROM JOHN MENZIES

I originally bought this in 1992 when it was first released. Of course I have it on CD now and have converted this, along with many of their songs, including the classic, The Visitors into mp3 format. It's very easy to trivialise the majesty of this band and their music with dubious musicals, films and little segments in cheap talking heads programmes but the quality of songwriting and production is not something to be trivialised. I understand that Bob Geldoff believes that they were and are 'shit' but I'm sure he would have killed his children to have these multi-millionaires preach to us proles at one of his live awareness campaigns, while he fraternises in the V.I.P area with the rich and famous.

Although this album is a compilation of classic singles, you cannot underplay the fact that this essential collection of music defines pop in its purest, innocent and most perfect form, long before 'pop', with its cynical manufactured process, became a dirty word. On one hand there are the songs with infectious and euphoric hooks that would have even the most seasoned and sinister cynic singing along to, alongside songs of such heartfelt depth,heartbreak and darkness that display Abba, not as a formulaic hit machine but as vulnerable human beings with, fears and the normal feelings you acquire through periods of guilt and regret that life throws at us. Just because they never made, (or perhaps never got round to) their 'Sergent Pepper' or their 'Revolver' album doesn't follow that they cannot be credibly mentioned in the same breath as their influences The Beatles or the Beach Boys. It's clearly evident in the quality and sheen of the production on tracks like 'Dancing Queen,', 'Knowing me, knowing you,' and 'Super Trouper' that they were as much pioneers in the studio as they were in their craft for piping out timeless pop music. The closest thing you might get to The Beatles in terms of experimenting with the pop format is 'The Visitors', or especially 'The Day Before You Came', surely their 'Let It Be' moment, laying bare the soul, in a bare arrangement, almost, but not quite, devoid of emotion. In a perfect world, there would only be one religion, the Church of Abba, it wouldn't take the form of any physical structures in which to house the worship as we'd carry it with us, but the best thing about it, would be the hymns.

KELLOGS CORNFLAKES WITH A HINT OF HONEY £1.69 FROM SAINSBURY'S

There's nothng too special about these. They're basically like Crunchy Nut Cornflakes but without the nuts. I'm not so sure that they even sell these anymore. I'm only reminded of these because during that same shopping trip when I went to pick up six glass bottles of diet coke I noticed some toddler having a bit of a tantrum because his mother reached for the cartoon of juice that didn't have the Disney promotion on it. He yelled, screamed and kicked the air as she insisted to him, but not very convincingly, that they were both the same. In the end, just to keep him quiet she relented. When you have the money and the choice you'll always pick the better packaging. Surely she must have understood that. Perfection comes at many prices. I have my cornflakes by the way with semi-skimmed Cravendale milk. It says that it's filtered. Always a good sign. I used to enjoy Jersey Milk but I put on a lot of weight.

MOZILLA BROWSER FREE FROM MOZILLA.ORG

I downloaded this after reading a Stephen Fry review about it. Normally I'm not easily sold and I always, if I can, see if I can check the service or product before endorsing it. This recommendation alone from Fry is worth looking into. I understand that Stephen Fry used to view himself as a grotesque piece of shit. Although it's a view he feels he has a right to make I have to say that he's wrong. I wish that I had an ounce of his eloquence, his knowledge and his master of language. What we do share though is enthusasm, passion and the desire to possess beautiful things that make life functional, ordered and easier to cope with. Because these are desires that we feel we can control or to some extent influence. They are things that won't ever harm or disappoint us. Whether it's the iPhone, a book of poetry, or, well a browser, they might not always be reliable or have the effect they are supposed to but their intentions may always seem to be honest, and in this world it's very easy to be skeptical of intentions. So I use Mozilla. It feels like a swift surfing experience. The interface is neat and tidy and I have all my bookmarks organised into little folders for various uses. 'Media', 'Blogs', 'Shopping,' 'Travel' 'Music' and so on. I won't claim that it will keep your life organised no more than empty to do lists/applications, but if it attempts on the PC at least to stop the beasts and bugs and looks good, then that's got to be better than IE, or Safari, which for it's iTunes-looking interface, doesn't really cut the mustard, if for the life of you, you know what cut the mustard means or from where the term originates.

KLIPPAN SOFA FROM IKEA £149.00 (not including replaceable covers)

This is one of the many things I bought from Ikea when I moved into the flat. (I've also got rugs, bookshelves, Compact disc stands and storage units from Ikea) In the right space this sofa looks suitably minimal but in my space, and no doubt thousands of flats and houses it probably looks out of place in a cluttered environment (most of the clutter being from Ikea). I prefer the plain white look. But it picks up various stains that are bound to be made on such a sofa where there are people like me. Sex, coffee, chocolate… For me, I don’t know why, with Ikea décor in the flat, also including my computer desk and chair, it’s not a world away to imagine that I am living in a plush pad in Malmo. This space is where I design houses or super-cities. I drink filtered water, wear sober colours, and eat minimal Japanese cuisine. This desire is totally indulgent and doesn’t mean anything more than what it is. It’s a step towards perfection that in reality I am far too sentimental, poor and lazy, to achieve. At the same time I’m finding the whole Ikea thing rather questionable, as the snob inside me has observed that like panel flooring and lava lamps, this whole home improvement thing has become too common and gone too far. Even joss sticks are tacky by comparison. Everyone’s crib is all so retro and kitsch these days. Everyone’s a wannabe minimalist, stylist, graphic designer, artist, and a property developer. Because of the clutter, my real space doesn’t do all that ambient music I have complied justice. The place is too messy.

I once worked with someone once who said that he often visits Ikea when he’s feeling depressed. It cheers him up. It’s rare for him, he says, to come out empty handed. He has to buy something, whether it’s a fish slice or a cardboard magazine rack. I love my sofa all the same. It might not be long enough to stretch my legs or to have a comfortable sleep but its simple enough. It wasn’t difficult to carry up two flights of stairs but it was a hassle for my brother to strap it to the roof rack. He reckoned the sight of it on his car embarrassed him but how could you be embarrassed by a Klippan sofa from Ikea?

Even if I succeeded in making my own life and home unquestionably neat by anyone’s standards, how would I go about tidying up the lives of others, the streets outside, the countries abroad, every single infrastructure and home, the habits and style of every human being? How could I possibly even begin to dream up and execute an in house style that takes in every living thing and space while also achieving the highest, neatest, efficient form of fashion, art, food, drink, culture, law, politics, environment, transport and health? I suppose the search for perfection should be like unrequited love. It’ll always be perfect but should exist in the imagination. Even if I could achieve the impossible it would probably leave me empty. What else would there be to live for? Indeed if the whole process of human existence is to reach perfection, then given the idea that we reach the unreachable, if we don't kill ourselves first, what then? Would the endgame of human existence revolve around a new virtual reality, where we devolve, creating experiences and experiments to discover what it was like to have limbs, to be hungry, to have desires, to have disorders, to solve the problem of boredom? I need to acquire as much as possible to clear my mind, and the need to desire, to possess.

DYSON AIRBLADE DRYER

I'm not sure how much this costs and I'm not sure how long it's been around (probably not long) but I had my first experience of this jet like spray of warm air against my hands yesterday at the Institude of Directors in London, and I have to tell you, it made the skin on my fingers ripple. I doubt I could afford one for the bathroom, and I'm told there are lots of these things side by side in the toilets of wembley stadium, but every house should have one. Dyson should consider entering the space race.

ISSEY MIYAKE AFTERSHAVE £34.99 FROM JOHN LEWIS

I'm not really a conissuer or a regular wearer of aftershave but when I received this for Christmas I made good use of it. It was far more subtle than the aftershaves I've tested. With its sweet, fruity, fragrance once imatured on the skin, this colonge heightens my skin when combined with shaving with my Mach 3 razors and King of Shaves oil. I like to smell good. The other grooming products I use are the L'Oreal series of 24 hour Hydra balm and various face washes. Believe it or not I'm not as shallow as I sound. I find horrid smells offensive and invasive. It's a form of pollution.

FRAY BENTOS STEAK AND KIDNEY PIE £1.79 FROM TESCOS

A simple treat I allow myself every now and again. It's not just the light and fluffy pastry, or the gravy or even the fact that it's not necessarily the best pie I've ever devoured, but its interaction with a plate of chips, the way you can serve it from the hot tin with a big spooon and top up your meal. In short, it's a simple and different experience from Holland's steak and kidney pies, where the pastry can be too crispy if not cooked at the right temperature for the right amount of time.